What’s unreal about reality TV.

Easy – all of it, and I’m not talking about the well known cuts and edits used by the networks to make incidents and accidents appear more heightened than what they really are. No everyone is more than aware of that, hell that’s half the reason why they watch it; actually it was the reason why they watched it. Now it’s something entirely different and completely more asinine. Kids, yes kids and teens and tweens and those aged in their mid twenties and late twenties and even those in the early years of Gen X who come home alone, eat dinner alone, go to bed alone and watch for one simple reason.

They want a better life without actually wanting to work for it.

Yes I’m generalizing, and yes I’m aware that there are many of many generations that work their f –ing asses off so please I implore you not to take any of this personally. You’re a worker and you acquired success in your chosen field because you deserve it.

“Survivor, The Hills, Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet Sixteen, The City, Big Brother, American, Indian, Australian, British, Afgani, Brazilian, Taiwan, South African Idol, X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Master Chef, Joe Millionaire, Who wants to be a Millionaire, Deal or no Deal, The Bachelor, The Bacholorette, Beauty and the Geek, Age of Love, Rock of Love, The Biggest Loser, The Simple life, The Kardashians, Nick and Jessica or as it was in Italy – Nick e Jessica, Hogan knows best, Housewives of Orange County, New York, Atlanta, Beverly Hills and New Jersey” Okay that’s all I can remember off the top of my head, actually wait “The Jersey Shore”

People and I generalize because I refuse to watch this shit, I refuse to contribute to the success of someone else’s life when that entails watching them get drunk every week, or fight with their boy/girlfriend, or lose weight, or win a million dollars by whoring themselves to somebody or spending half a million on a f – ing birthday party and still complain that they didn’t get the car they wanted. I honestly think we have been put back twenty years in spiritual and cultural development as a race because of this crap on TV. What’s happened after a decade of being saturated with this uninspired programming is that its messages have permeated the public psyche, especially the youngsters.

Essentially these shows promote one thing – being famous rocks, doesn’t matter how you did it, why you did it, who you did as long as you’re famous a career awaits. What that career is, almost always appears to be f*&# all. These people parade on stage with no apparent work ethic yet complaining of the most trivial of hurdles. I once watched an episode of  “The Hills” and what I saw scared me. Girls and Guys my age – 26 bitching about someone not texting them, not turning up to a party or worse yet turning up and ignoring them.

SEROIUSLY ARE YOU F_ING SERIOUS!!!!!!!!

THERE WERE MEN AND WOMEN GOING TO GERMANY, KOREA AND VIETNAM AT 18 FIGHTING IN AMONGST THE SHIT, MENDING BLOWN OFF LEGS AND BY 30 THEY WERE COMMANDING ENTIRE F – ING PLATOONS!!!!

Yet it’s this asinine drivel on our screens that kids aspire too. “She’s hot, she’s famous and just shops all day.” Well f*%@ you if that’s what you think life is about because you are one of the many who are bringing the global collectiveness and oneness of this earth to a screeching halt. Why? Because the people you aspire to don’t f – ing contribute.

Being hot is not a skill, being famous is not a skill, shopping is not a skill, being a slut is definitely not a skill and being on a reality show is not a skill period.

Wait just got another one – “The Apprentice.”

“You’re fired”

When did becoming famous actually become a job? Honestly tell me when…actually I’ve figured it out. The exact date escapes me but it was when precisely the real story became more interesting or more scandalous than the one created by the professional entertainers.  Some groundbreaking TV has been created in the last decade – The Wire, Deadwood, Breaking Bad, OZ, Arrested Development, Curb your Enthusiasm, Always Sunny, Hill Street Blues and many more. But this stuff and it’s bank of talented creators get ignored because it and they don’t contain storylines about one of the Kardashians. Remember when Kim was caught lying to her little sisters about taking them to the beach then them getting mad at her and buying her a pot plant only to drop it on the ground in front of her in anger. Remember that? Remember when that happened? No didn’t think so, so who gives f*&#.

See, it’s like liking the bottom of my shoe, pointless with the only result being a bad aftertaste. Now if you want to hear someone speak of fame who’s experienced it at it’s highest levels and realized it means nothing because it’s nothing tangible but only side product of hard work in his craft go on youtube and watch any interview with Kurt Cobain. Just from his body language you can see the whole ideal of it just rubs him the wrong way. There is a certain interview where the three of them from Nirvana are at a lake talking about those who chase fame, unfortunately I can’t find it. Below is a portion of that interview but it doesn’t allude to what I’m saying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtfsPN38kag&feature=related at 1:07

Now after the last few paragraphs I’ve realized I’ve deviated from my intended point, that being that nobody wants to work for a better life. Why? Because what they see on TV are people achieving these dreams with minimal amount of it. Basically all I got to do is rock up to a cattle call, do something vulgar, asinine or just sing half well and I’ll be famous and the rest will take care of itself. What are even more disturbing are the contestants’ reactions when they are told they are shit. It’s doesn’t occur to them that just wanting something will get you nowhere. And just dabbling in it will get you nowhere, and just perusing it, as a light hobby will get you nowhere.  But nonetheless on most talent shows every time the inevitable question is asked so too is the inevitable answer given.

“Why do you want this?”

“Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life.”

Yeah that’s why you’re in your mid forties, never sung or danced or even performed in your life but feel you are owed greatness because you’ve wanted it through the kaleidoscope that is reality television. You will probably roll your eyes, yes I’m referring to the nine people who read this blog last week but there is a quote from the biography of Vince Lombardi that states.

“When God reserves greatness for someone, he makes sure he/she is truly ready for it.”

Hence why very few people achieve those great things they desire or dream about because they are not ready for it. They are not ready for it because they don’t truly understand it, they don’t understand it because their primary goal is the wrong thing – the fame. It was never the love of the craft to begin with otherwise they would have done it for nothing for the formative years of their career and realized that it’s never going to be given to them by a dude with a bad box haircut and British accent that is actually unaware that nobody gives a shit.

Simply put you got to work for it, but unfortunately we are breeding a generation of lazy, self indulgent pratts who wouldn’t have the faintest idea of commitment to a cause if it smacked them in the face with it’s genitals, if it had any. So to sit and watch those shows, and watch someone live their life while you waste away yours on a couch well I’m going to go back to something I said in my first post – “I have no sympathy for you.”

Why would I say that? Because I can assure you your life is infinitely more exciting and purposeful than theirs. How you say? Because they need you to watch it to make them feel alive, if we didn’t pay attention those idiots would actually go away. And can you imagine what we’d be left with. Yeah it’s actually a pleasant thought.

If you like reality TV, please comment and abuse me, or just comment as you can see I’m still waiting for my first one.

Guys being girls being guys.

Honestly at times I think I’m a baby boomer inside a Gen Y body. Maybe it has to do with that very slight generational gap between the Gen Y’s in their mid to late twenties and the ones in their early twenties. Believe me there is one; I like my mates, coincidently all have at least one younger sibling in their early twenties.  And guess what? They aren’t a scratch on what we are in terms of work ethic, practicality and rationality. Now I’m not calling all kids in their early twenties useless but I can assure you there are many and for some reason I’ve been witness to a lot of them. But then again this is I ranting and not attacking the genesis of my contention, which is –

That a real men in this day and age and on this planet are almost non existent.

The numbers obviously decrease dramatically as we rise up the ranks of generations, with the Silent Generation coming in last. They were the ones born during the great depression and are my Nonno and Nonna – they are f- ing tough, and so are yours so make no bones about it. But as we slip through the cracks to those men occupying the ranks of Gen Y and Gen Z we see a scary pattern. They are not men, they are not tough, and honest to God or Buddha or whatever if they don’t pull their fingers out soon we are in deep shit as a planet and a species.

Simply put what is happening can be blamed on a few key things that have transformed men into something of a hybrid of a girl and a…..and a….. and a…. shit I have no idea, I just know one simple fact. MEN ARE NOT MEN ANYMORE!

I heard a great line from a dude who is producing the feature that I’m writing at the moment, he said this when we saw a young chap walking the street in super tight hamstring hugging jeans. “The women’s movement has moved so far forward that it has emasculated the modern male into an image that now represents a girl.” Looking around when I walk through the city, the suburbs or even a shopping centre I see this in all it’s manicured glory – wax chests, gelled hair, super tight jeans, lasered eyebrows and a general air of self absorption that just doesn’t sit right with me.

Is this the man that girls want? I find it amusing that around the world and in this city in particular that women scream day and night about a man shortage. I can’t find a man, the men available are too self involved etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Well guess what you forced us into this corner! It’s unfortunate because women now realize that the man they want is just that; a f – ing man! A man who can do physical work, a man that has a beard and a bit of hair, a man that represents the other side of the spectrum. I think women even realize now that they pushed the image for us too far and are now stuck with a planet full of wieners cubed. Do women want an accessory that looks good but has no real value or substance beyond that, or do that want a form that fits something a little more practical.

Personally I’m getting sick of seeing dudes who are almost prettier than girls, so pretty that you think to yourself “man that’s a pretty dude.” But I counteract it with this quote.

“If the unfortunate event of a true third world war reared it’s ugly head and all us gents were conscripted to fight for our nation. What f- ing hope have I got when the guy next to me in the trenches hasn’t worked a physical day in his life except on his tan, hair and chest.”

To me now women have the power, which doesn’t bother me a bit, they’re owed it after the centuries of second-class citizenship. Careers, sexual freedom without being called a slut, high-ranking positions in the corporate world and everything else they are achieving at this moment finally proves this planet has the hallmarks of true evolution. Yet unfortunately what has happened now is that we as men are left with no image, no space to fill, you’re either too manly or too girly. Both sides of this divide being created at one point or another by bullshit female publications trying to sum up the modern man.

Well here is a news flash for you – you f – ed up!!! And now you’re left with a planet full of chicks! Believe me we serve a purpose, and back in the day I used to remember what that was! Now if we kept that position but had simultaneously let women progress to the gender equality they deserve then we would truly be a force to be reckoned with. I mean that as a collective of people who represent this planet in the likely event we find out we’re not alone – my future post on Sergeant Clifford Stone will detail this.

The petty problems I see gent’s deal with on most reality shows, most of them on MTV and most of them turning a “Super Sweet 16.” Makes me want to regurgitate, not vomit but regurgitate because I’ve just eaten. Spoilt kids demanding hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of entertainment and thus continuing the cycle of useless kids especially boys who have nothing to contribute to this planet. The same ones who change their f –ing facebook status every thirty seconds, the same ones who have no ambition but to travel, the same ones who can’t hold a job down for more than 3 months because it’s getting too hard, the same one who spends more time getting ready than his girlfriend, the same one who is starting to weigh less and less and err on the side of 40 kilos, the same one who probably hasn’t read a book that isn’t a style magazine, the same one whose only ambition is to have a rocking weekend, the same one who would cry after a days worth of physical labour in a factory or on a farm, the same one who doesn’t know what it means to pay the price and the same one who carries an air of arrogance when the only thing he has achieved has been purchasing a pair of skinny jeans that he has previously not been able to fit into.

Shit I just lost my breath, sorry about the bad grammar but it’s all part of the intended impact.

Look I’ll admit I have some mates who wear skinny jeans but they also work in construction and put in 14-hour days so they’re justified. But recently I read a book about the late great Vince Lombardi, the man who after waiting almost twenty years to get his shot to coach a professional team finally did so by creating the dynasty that was the 60’s Green Bay Packers. He demanded full commitment from his men and a work ethic that was second to none. If you were on time you were late, if you were fifteen minutes early you were on time. I can talk about him ad nauseum and I will in a later post but it was this attitude that every man had it in him to achieve greatness or least fulfill his potential if he just stripped himself to the basics and got the work done. No gel, no wax, no lasers, no tan…just a man.

Wait a second…

Sorry just jetted out for a few hours to grab an arvo screening of “Get him to the Greek” It was quite good, I don’t usually see arvo screenings of films, but it’s my day off from the factory so I if I didn’t see it I would’ve never. Puff Daddy was funny.

Anyhoo, unfortunately Vince’s attitude slowly became archaic as the 70’s rolled in, and with any decade change is obviously necessary. Yet for some reason we seem to jettison those aspects and attributes, which made the past one great and invent new ones. We give them different names but really they are the same thing. I think what is really just getting me is that what I once remember being cool and the embodiment of man now just doesn’t exist, not a little bit, not a micro bit, just not at all. Now we have to look back, what is cool and masculine? For me Steve McQueen is a cool cat, probably one of the coolest there is, but he’s dead and has been for a while now. Think about it, we have to look back to see any vestige of masculinity, a man who can take care of himself, a man who doesn’t give a shit about what he looks like ala Robert Mitchum because what matters is the substance inside.

“Guts and Black Stuff… and about 50 slim jims”

– Nelson Muntz

If the ideal man in women’s eyes is being propagated to us through shiny magazines and forty foot poster advertisements then guess what – I’m glad I’m nothing like them because in reality they stand for nothing. And to be honest I don’t think women are given a choice to choose the man they want, they are fed the image of the man they want. Is it what they want? What do women want? Wai,t where is Mel Gibson a bathtub and a toaster? F&#$ it he’s busy.

Honestly I think it’s clear that for the past decade the man women supposedly want is in actual fact a woman.

Well then, it’s 2010 and I guess we’re all f – ed.

So cheers, peace, crackers and geese and if you want to leave a comment please do. I’m only getting spam and it sucks.

Why hooking up is easier when you’ve tranquilized the conscious.

Well I was seriously considering not writing this post tonight, right now Argentina is playing South Korea for what most likely will be top spot in Group B. Plus watching Maradona prowl the managers box like he’s a caged cat is almost as entertaining as the match itself. But we have only two TV’s in the house and right now my Dad is watching The Footy Show on one and my Mum is watching TNT on the other.

Anyway last week I promised my topic would cover that of the opposite of sex and how getting laid and picking up seems to happen more frequently when you are not trying or at least not in the mind space. Now bare in mind that this post will not pose as any authority on the matter, plenty of men have had plenty more sex and success with women than myself, I know because I’ve been present, I know because I’ve seen it happen. I know because what has helped me get to where I want to get in my career and hopefully then some in the coming months has been my propensity to sit or stand and watch the mechanics of it go down.  Add to that my own experiences, stuff I’ve read in magazines and even the book “The Game” which was actually more entertaining than informative and what you get is a pattern. One single brain wave that I’ve seen in action when the sparks fly. Yet what’s even more fascinating is that you yourself use this system of thought for everything you do not pertaining to woemen, and I mean f –ing everything.

Now before I begin I implore you not to take this as any sort of dating/getting laid advice, because it’s not. It’s simply an observation and if you take it as gospel you’re going to suffer desert dick pretty damn quickly. But if I’m right and it works for you at least feel free to comment, seriously someone put something down because my blog right now appears to be nothing but a disjointed individual spouting random thoughts without filtering into the universe.

Alllllrighty then, many of you, and I’m talking to the gents here, have had that occasion on a particular evening when you picked up. Simply put you got a number, hooked up with the girl or even got laid on the first night. Now in my own experiences I’ve noticed this has happened when I wasn’t trying, or in a more basic term, wasn’t looking desperate. It’s those nights when you can’t be f – ed, you’re really tired, you’re only out because of the whiny voice of your mate on the other line saying something as primal and simple as “c’monnnn”. So back in my early days, when university was still a new experience and Thursday nights were spent getting maggoted with every other student in the city I got a chance to witness my theory in action.

It’s 11pm Thursday night 2002 and for some reason I’m actually in bed instead of out and about with the rest of the guys getting the job done on the dance floor. So literally with one foot in the bed and one on the floor I receive a call from my mate telling me that I should come down to a bar/club right now. Now being half asleep but not wanting to waste a good old fashioned uni night I decide to go. Long story short I arrive and like usual the place is full, but unlike most times I’m half asleep, I’m there in body but the spirit is in dreamstate. Actually I can put my state of mind in a song and video for you to illustrate my point a little clearer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7rYLYBSHBc&feature=related Yeah one of my favourites from Seasame Street too, oh and if you are really nostalgic check out this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_SGKnw611k&feature=related

For some reason it’s the song I remember most from my days watching the show.

So in the comatose state that I’m in I grab myself a beer to pep myself up and shuffle onto the dance floor. Minding my own business I basically lean from side to side hoping the beat of the music will be enough in itself to keep me from crashing, I kid you not my eyes were closed. Longer story even shorter I end up hooking up with some bird that night. No intention, she came up to me and I didn’t even know she was there until we did hook up.

Now let us look at the variables in this instance, I didn’t really want to be there, when I was there my mind was not on the job, which at that time of your life and on that night is basically the same as any other guys – get a girl, get laid. Essentially what was happening was that my subconscious was taking over, my conscious mind had been tranquilized because it was so tired so what was being emitted by the subconscious were exactly those traits that attract women. Let me break it down to a more frequent occurrence, which has been talked about before. Have you ever noticed that as a dude you have an easier time attracting the girls you are not interested in than the ones that you are? Well I won’t use this as a blanket statement because most of my mates well at least back in the day when they were single did okay for themselves but in general it is phenomena I’ve seen many a time.

The basic mechanics behind this is actually quite simple yet unsurprisingly it’s the same mechanic that leads to you performing well on the sporting field or doing a good job at any other endeavor. What happens is the girl you’re trying to attract on most occasions wherever that may be sends your conscious mind into a certain space – do what needs to be done to attract that girl. So you, being you start acting cool, talking cool or doing whatever you think it is to attract that person. Now those times when you are not in the mind space what actually happens is the complete opposite yet actually is the same thing but without your conscious consent. You’re subconscious is sending out those vibes to whoever in the room whilst your conscious mind is busy with the task at hand, in my case keep myself standing and awake. Your natural abilities and attractiveness become prevalent without you even knowing.

It’s the same when you go out and play a game of footy, you’re late to the match, you just strapped on your boots, you cop a spray from the coach for not being there half an hour before game time but then what happens? You end up having a blinder; you kick ten goals, why? Because you’re conscious was so worried about being late that your subconscious took control of the task at hand – the game, and it said; “I know what to do, I’ve been doing this for years, so shut the f%$@ up and let me take the reins for once.”

So like I stated a paragraph back, you attract the girls you are not interested in because you don’t work your conscious mind into that state of attraction. You don’t tell it to act cool or whatever to get the job done because you have no interest. I guess the same can be said of guys who are naturals. I know a few and their conscious mind is in a constant state of tranquilization. They’re there to have a good time and they know their subconscious mind will take care of the rest. Unlike this poor Mexican kid who declared his unrequited love for Megan Fox, to be honest I don’t think it was the rose, which was the deal breaker but the Tony Danza style hair cut. Yet one can only imagine the dialogue that went on that night between the young man and Megan’s security guards.

Okay give me a minute I’m going to check on the score…

Okay I’m back Argentina are up 2 -1, can’t believe I’ve already missed three goals and it’s only been 49 minutes!

This is just one of the myriad of examples that have and are currently used to illustrate the power of the subconscious and it’s abilities to solve problems. What’s incredible is that it already has the answers; it’s just waiting for you to ask the questions. Ask it, forget it and let it come later. We’ve seen it and experienced it all before.

So there you have it, for me I think this train of thought, which to be perfectly clear is nothing new really can be harnessed for some really phenomenal achievements. For me in terms of my endeavors in writing and directing, this thought process works 100 percent every time! I guess that’s like that Anchor Man quote – “They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”

So peace until next time, don’t know what that next time will entail but it will exist. Send me an email, leave me a message or just read the damn thing, if not well I guess I got some work to do.

Why Glenn Beck wouldn’t fly down under.

For some reason it feels like an eternity since I posted on here last, maybe because so much has happened in between it feels that way. Anyway the World Cup starts tomorrow, and if Australia can get through the group stages I’ll be mightily impressed, it’s a great squad but it was even greater and younger four years ago – sleepless nights and early mornings are imminent. That aside I really want to broach a topic or a person who has been plaguing me for a while now. Oh before that make sure you see Animal Kingdom, a great Aussie film that took a couple of awards or at least the important one at Sundance this year. You will not see a more menacing character than that of “Pope” played by Ben Mendelson.

So back to the topic at hand.

At lunch time if I’m home I usually give myself a lunch break at around 1 -1:30. Now usually the program of choice is anything on Discovery Travel that has Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmern or David Rocco. The later I like the most because all he does is cook for ten minutes then get tanked for the remaining forty with his buddies. Yet the one down side to all this is the dreaded repeats, on a timeline long enough all things come to an end and so with that I would find myself in those lunch time hours watching Fox News. Why? Because I don’t have the sports channels, free to air is shit at 1:30 in the arvo and the movie channels only show the good stuff at night.

Now I’ve always been aware of the immense right leaning bias of Fox News, being neither left or right myself because I’m not an American I watch the channel purely for the entertainment factor and it’s awesome ratio of news to hot female newsreaders.

You could say that in the beginning it was one man running the show, O’Reilly. In terms of content, popularity and down right blatant right wing yelling at people who weren’t leaning right, you couldn’t beat him. But soon enough O’Reilly’s schtick became too mainstream and not right enough. Actually Jon Stewart put it best in his interview with Bill a few months back, “You’ve become the voice of sanity, which is like being the thinnest kid at fat camp.” If you want to watch the interview click the link below, it’s in eight or seven or five parts, I forget but it’s well worth it. Jon even gets O’Reilly’s floor crew laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icp0tAsl95s

So as with everything in life an upgrade was needed on the Fox Channel, someone who was more right, more outrageous, and even more nonsensical. Cue Glenn Beck, a former radio host turned TV host whose show is basically an hour and a half of him walking around with a chalkboard making far flung acronyms on things that annoy him. It’s funny because he considers himself a conservative libertarian who wants to get back to the roots of the constitution. Sorry to say but it but if that were truly the case he would be on his own network not on Fox News peddling the narrative that’s it’s been known for. The reason you have both parties is because both believe they uphold the constitution better than the other. In actual fact America’s constitution has long been dead, it’s nobodies fault it’s just with a country that big and sprawling how on earth can one constitution fit everyman – another time another crime.

For the best example of how Glenn connects his dots watch this south park clip below, as per usual Cartman does a brilliant impression of the “crying one.”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1g0–VvUUA&feature=related sorry it’s not better quality.

I guess the question is, “Damascus what the f&%$ does Glenn have to do with Australia?” Well to be honest nothing, I can assure you nobody watches this guy because most if not the entire population is at work when his program is shown. I’ve even tried spreading the word amongst my mates but to be honest they really couldn’t give a shit. I even tell them “You gotta see this dude he like cries at the end of every show like a giant baby.”

And that is exactly my point, even if his show was telecast on free to air at 7:30 on Channel Seven, he still wouldn’t rate for the sole reason that nobody in our country would buy him. Would it be the crying, the fake pauses or his misuse of the everyday acronym? Even if he was an Aussie talking about Aussie issues we still wouldn’t buy it, and I can tell you why.

We are a bred from convict stock, well I’m not and actually a lot of the country isn’t either but that heritage and it’s cynical outlook is imprinted on most who are born of this country whether today or two hundred years ago. We can’t have the wool pulled over our eyes because our country was founded by those whose livelihood was to pull the wool over the eyes. It’s the reason our country suffers from tall poppy syndrome, it’s the reason you can have a beer with your boss at the end of the week, it’s the reason why someone like Glenn Beck wouldn’t stand a chance – you’re not legit mate. We hate bullshit and everything that comes with it, we have a bit of Texas in all of us – “Get it done, don’t whinge about it, don’t make a scene, don’t be a dickhead mate, just get it done.” Ask an apprentice tradie, he’ll tell you unequivically that the above line is like a mantra for them.

I’m not using this as an example to illustrate the naivety of Americans I’m just saying someone like Glenn Beck thrives in a country where theatrics can be used to broad stroke a point to those select few who are so inclined. If you seriously had a dude crying at the end of his shows in this country he would be laughed back to New Zealand where they intern would laugh him to Antarctica.  I kid you not the comment in the TV room would go like this “Why is that dickhead crying?” Look I’m aware he has the shit canned out of him by American comedy outlets and most people stateside every other day but the fact that he is given time and roughly 32 million a year well you bring it on yourself.Man this sounds like a personal attack, to be honest I wouldn’t mind having a character like him down here, why? Well because our politics sucks, we have a habit of electing prime ministers that are the real life equivalents of Mr Sheen.

If anything I’m not attacking Glenn personally just his theatrics and performance, but then if he’s using them to propagate what he truly believes in, so much so that it makes him cry well then maybe I am. Well f&@ me.

Now to be honest and even a little bit arrogant I think I’m one of the few people in this country who actually watch Fox News. If I’m wrong send me an email or comment, actually just comment I need the comments, actually one would suffice no matter what the content. But back to the Beck, I have a theory. The guy speaks like a WWE wrestler. If you watch how a wrestler speaks before he’s about to get into a smack down he paces around the ring carefully figuring out what word to say next. Why? Because he has no f –ing clue what he’s suppose to say next! There but for the grace of God goes Glenn Beck.

In this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DS6tTX8Wws he spends the entire clip breaking for a breath every few seconds hoping that the next word will come to him. Now watch this clip of Randy Orton and Johnny Nitro on WWE Smackdown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBtytfWSM2I&feature=related

Yeah that’s right it’s exactly the f –ing same, in the words of Lisa Simpson when she’s in Australia “I know those words but that doesn’t make sense.” Essentially every word is weighted with a pause because the dude has no idea what his point is, it makes him appear that his words are affecting him in thought but really there is no thought going on.

When you break it down both incarnations of speech come from the world of entertainment, except for some reason if I had a WWE wrestler walking around the offices of Fox News wearing the Intercontinental Belt and spouting basic facts about Benjamin Franklin I’d probably be more inclined to believe him over the Beckster.

So that’s it for another week, if you want to comment please do. As my opener stated the World Cup is on so you better watch it as it’s truly the world’s only global sporting event. Next week I’ll talk about how getting laid and picking up have to do with meditative consciousness.

Why am I astral projecting?

Well last week I promised you a ten paragraph diatribe on the new Sex & the City film and what it meant for all of us. Well after the shit canning it’s received during the past week I’m afraid everything I wanted to say has already been said by every film critic wandering this earth. I guess that makes my job easier as those in the know are infinitely more eloquent than I am and have expressed their opinions in ways that are far more entertaining than I’m offering up on this page. Simply find a review, any review on the net that is, and you’ll get a basic idea of the type of backlash this film is receiving.

Having said that I’m going to get straight into the topic at hand before I start getting into the details of the crush I had on Kim Cattrall when the show started. Seriously she would have sex with anything on that show and you honestly thought you had a shot if you met her in the street. I’m sure in person she’s nothing like her screen counterpart Samantha but I was fifteen when the show premiered and at fifteen most guys can get turned on by something as asexual as a ham sandwich.

So for the last three years I’ve been experiencing an incredible sensation when I go to bed; and no it’s not my alone time or anything sexual. For the past three years on and off, a month here, a month there I’ve been experiencing one unbelievable thing – “THE VIBRATION” What it is essentially is an incredible vibrating feeling that encompasses my entire body. I actually remember the first time I felt it because it was on a night I couldn’t get to sleep. I kept flitting between the moment of being awake and the moment of falling asleep. It felt like the hallway between the two states and that hallway was vibrating. It never hurt it was just intense in it’s all encompassing nature. Sometimes a sound would accompany the sensation, something of the ilk of almost a digital noise. Matrix like if you will.

So this came and went and I thought nothing of it, I actually was aware that I was at the cusp of sleep and if you pose that question to most people your answer would never change. Who really knows the exact moment when they fall asleep? I guess technically it just happens. But what scared me was that because I was aware of the transition period now maybe I’ll never get back to sleep again. Well that never became a problem. What did become a problem was that in those early days or early years this sensation would sneak itself into my subconscious and I would have to endure the vibration, sometimes for a week at a time. It wasn’t scary like I said, but just a type of moment I had to endure before I could actually get some decent shut eye.

Well it’s been three years and over the course of that time what’s happened is that I’ve let the vibration take over somewhat. Why? Because of this awesome guy on the left. His name is Robert Monroe and he is considered one of the forefathers of OBE research. Actually I should of used that term as the title of this post because Astral Projection is apparently incorrect and actually refers to the interpretation of a body leaving and traveling along the astral plane. I have not done that yet but have come close…sort of. Anyway as the years passed and vibrations came and went I remember one thing from them more than anything, it was the pulling sensation as if I was being pulled out of my body, and up until right now I’ve been fighting it. Not for any other reason but I just want to go to sleep.

Yet as the weeks and months go by I find myself letting the vibrations linger a little longer and the other night I had my first vibration session for a while, needless to say I let the feeling go for it’s longest period ever but pulled back because I chickened out. Why did I chicken out? Maybe because I am scared, not of the sensation but what’s on the other side. I almost think of this practically in terms of sleep and adequate rest. “How can I charge my batteries for the next day if I’m spending all my nights traveling the planes of existence? I need my damn sleep!” The thing is I don’t really sleep huge amounts and I have a weird amount of energy, it’s not hyper activity just a slow burn that seems to just keep going, it does allow me to get a lot of things done. Anyway whatever, I’m talking shit again.

So back to Robert Monroe. On you tube about a year ago I find a few videos on him talking about his first OBE experiences. And surprise surprise they were like mine. Here is a link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5OgyF2dyok he starts talking about it at around the five minute mark but watch the whole thing to get a run on. Basically he tells of his vibration experiences and his urge to fight it, until one day the old dude just says F*&# it and lets it consume him. “If it’s going to kill me let it kill me.”

Well guess what, it didn’t do shit. It came like usual, did it’s thing and left within about five minutes. So as time progresses he would feel this sensation whilst lying down and dosing off, he would let it happen, let it pass then get on with the rest of his day. But one time in 1958 something incredible happened. Well I’m not going to spoil it or even insult your intelligence but I’m sure my readership of one person is smart enough to figure it out.

Right now I’m at the point of holding back the pull, it’s urging me upward, outward and forward but the fact still remains I have no idea what to expect, it’s the unknown and the human condition has always been taught to be afraid of that; unfortunately. What is interesting though is when Robert did experience his first OBE he was thinking of something quite pleasant at the time and I think that is a key. You have to be in a state that is conducive to getting you to the next; it has to be a hurdle free oscillation between the two. Personally I know it’s just a matter of time before I let go but I do think this is one of the few things that us as a race need to explore because it just seems so damn obvious it’s an extension of our evolution. If we are spiritual beings having a human experience then of course our spiritual self is going to want to wander at some time or another.

Now let’s delve a little deeper, not too much or we’ll be here for ages and I’ve got a book on Vince Lombardi I want to finish reading, plus Footy Classified is on right now and I want to at least catch a little of it. So here we are vibrations and all and immediately one must think, where does it come from? Well a lot of the theories point to the pineal gland. An endocrine gland that produces serotonin, which surprise surprise modulates wake/sleep patterns. So after all of this it turns out it’s just my pineal gland is on the fritz! Of course why didn’t I think of that earlier? Although if you do your research you’ll see that the gland is held in great reverence by many cultures and even by scholars who see it as the seat of the soul. Maybe that’s why it’s the only thing in the brain that’s not doubled. Maybe because it receives everything we ingest and then processes it and spits it out. Maybe that’s the reason why it’s given the Captain Kirk style commander chair in our brain. Personally I think it has a lot to do with everything and our lack of exploration of the said gland is to our own detriment.

So that may be the origin of the vibration but who’s to say these are not just lucid dreams. Well I can say for sure because about a month ago I had an experience that proves to me this is real and that it’s a stage in our spiritual development that could teach us so much. Actually I had two experiences, one was super beneficial, the other weird. I’ll start with the weird. Like I said about a month ago I went to bed and did my thing that is sleep. What was bizarre was that I didn’t have my vibration but experienced something that you may call the result of it.

I had an OBE, literally one night I found myself floating above my body yet something was a little off. It was like I hadn’t fully awoken myself to the possibility and my body mind or spirit was only giving me a taste. I was floating but my head was still attached. Not like the picture at the top that depicts a massively boobed woman who seems to have a bedroom in the middle of a Boris Vallejo painting but instead the diagram on the left. It was like my spiritual self was doing a hand stand over my physical self still lying in the bed. Although I wasn’t using my hands I was just floating, to quote spook from Top Cat “Hey look TC, huh no hands.” I love that cartoon.

The second time something of an alternate strata occurred it actually served a purpose. A while back I received an email from the assistant of a massive Hollywood producer. Long story short they had received my query letter in the mail, watched my teaser online and requested my script to read. Now when I say massive I mean huge like big A list stuff. And me being desperate after all this time trying to get this bastard of a project off the ground almost then and there send the script sight unseen. Yet the wording of the email stopped me almost immediately, it didn’t sit right and it made me feel something inside. I don’t get gut feelings often but when I do and ignore them, I regret it. They are always right! So this time I decide to listen and that night I decide to sleep. What happened next was a dream that went no longer than a few minutes from 10: 45 – 10 : 47. I mean people were still downstairs watching TV so it wasn’t anything epic. What I dreamt though was an incredibly clear image of this female assistant and her boss reading my scrip together and taking stealing bits and pieces from it. Almost like it was a mail order catalogue.

I woke up almost instantly and knew the best thing to do was to never contact her again. No matter how desperate I get, and how long it takes I’m not going to contact her because I believe in this sign so adamantly.

So that’s it I guess, my teeth are killing me because my wisdoms are coming through, lucky I’ve only got my bottom ones. Yet the question that is always asked when I tell people this and yes I do get a lot of pointing and laughing but I’m used to it. The question is, is it a lucid dream or are you really, and I mean really experiencing the precursor signs to your standard OBE?

So if you know please comment. If you’ve had the same or are experiencing the same, again please comment. Would be great to get some writings on the board. And better yet if you’ve actually visited or know someone who’s visited the Monroe institute please write in.